Greener Pastures

I am big enough to admit it; I am a grass is greener person some of the time.  Not all of the time, but, it definitely hits me between the eyes more often than I would like. Even in the best of circumstances, we humans play the what if and if only game.  When life keeps throwing curve balls at you, it's more difficult to dodge those questions.

If a parent of a kids with special needs ever tells you that they have NEVER asked those what if questions they are lying to you.  Or, maybe they are lying to themselves.  We are scared to admit those doubts and questions out loud because you could think that we don't love our child unconditionally.  Or, perhaps we don't want to admit to ourselves that sometimes it does feel like a burden.  You know what.....admitting the truth doesn't mean you love your child any less. Superman is a fantasy and the special needs parent that has it all together is also a fantasy.

So what am I actually thinking when that green monster raises it ugly head?  You want the real truth?

• A parent says to you how nice it is that your kids doesn't have to wait 2 hours in line at an amusement park.  Of course, I am thinking that your kid can take the autism and I will joyfully wait in line all day long!  
• A celebrity talking about how much such and such a therapy helped their kid and wishing you had the money and time to give your kid all the help they need.
• A parent of any neuro-typical kid complaining about school, dating, sports teams, etc.while I stand there wishing those were my problems.  Sometimes it feels like listening to a really wealthy person complain that the engine on their yacht needs a repair.
• If only we had made less money like that other family at school.  Their child gets so much more help because they have a lower income than we do. While our son gets almost no help outside of school because we live in that in between space where we make too much to get help and not enough for to pay for therapy ourselves.
• It might be easier if my child's autism was more severe.  How could I ever think that?  Would I really ever want that - absolutely not!  But still,

• Children with more severe needs are eligible for more help.
• Children with more severe autism get diagnosed earlier and have early intervention.  I have seen children who had more severe problem than mine but got help earlier and now have better speech and social skills than my son.
• I know people who have children whose special needs are more severe and they get more support from their community. Seriously, I am not talking about attention yet, I know there are parents who seek that. For example, people set up fundraisers to help with their medical and related expenses. These kids are already having the state pay for their therapy and now the public pays for their gas and food as well.  What I really think is that it is so AWESOME!  I really, really don't begrudge that at all.  Anything that can reduce the stress of being a parent of a special child is great. It is just that when I get really frustrated that we can't pay for needed therapy, those thoughts creep in.
• When you have a child on the spectrum that is "high functioning" there is the possibility that with the right amount and type of therapy they could grow up to lead a somewhat typical life, whatever that means.  That seems like a lot of pressure on a parent. 

Now, I readily admit that some of these might seem absurd and I don't think this way much of the time.  I am certain that I have met many families who would be more than happy to trade circumstances with us.  I know that parents of non verbal children would give up all the help they receive to have one real conversation with their kid.  I also know that the problems and stresses on parents with typical kids are real and pressing. I am not diminishing their struggles.  Parenting comes with a lot of pressure regardless of your situation.  I am simply trying to be honest.  From my own experience and from talking to others, I know that it can be such a relief just to find that someone else out there has gone through what you are going through or has struggled with the same thoughts. It can go from, "I am such an ungrateful idiot for having that thought" to "Oh, what a relief, I'm not the only one that has ever thought such a thing before."

Special circumstances or not, I am certain that you have all struggled with grass is greener episodes in your life.  Is it healthy, not really.  Is it normal, yes.  Rather than trying to bury my feelings out of shame, it helps to own it, think about it, know it is not healthy and release it.